Embracing Accommodations

I never thought of myself as needing accommodations. In my mind accommodations are justifiable only under certain circumstances. As a psychologist I spend a lot of time thinking about how to help people better manage their lives and many times that involves asking others (i.e., schools, work) to accommodate the unique needs of that person. For example, someone with autism might need to wear noise-cancelling headphones or need to have a workstation away from high traffic areas. Or someone might need to work from home. And children might need to sit away from distractions in the classroom, need access to the school counselor, or need movement breaks for a variety of reasons. There are many ways the environment can be shaped to help people perform at their best and feel more comfortable mentally, physically, and emotionally.

My therapist recently suggested I might want to think about the ways I need accommodations and she said I could do many of these for myself. This was an intriguing idea. It is not that I don’t already do things to help myself, I simply never saw the things I do as justifiable ways to help myself. Often the things I have done or asked for have made me feel guilty or ashamed- as if I shouldn’t be treated differently, do things differently, or make things easier for myself when it impacts other people.

So, I have begun to reframe this for myself. I do have needs that are not the same as a lot of people. And maybe everyone (people with or without mental health concerns, physical limitations, or developmental disorders) could use some accommodations to function at their best. And maybe without necessarily being aware they do things or ask for what they need. But I know getting through a day is harder for some of us. And some of us have more difficulty asserting our needs. I will outline how I have learned to make accommodations for myself as ideas for others who might have needs like mine.

My head gets very loud and other times outside noises are amplified. For both of these, I often need quiet or a distraction such as music. At work it is pretty quiet so that hasn’t been a big problem, but other places it has been a problem. I have taken to listening to music any time I suspect I could get overwhelmed by noise. This could be in the office before and after I have to interact with people. But also, when I go on walks with my dog in my neighborhood I wear headphones to listen to music. For safety, I don’t use noise-cancelling ones but listening to music helps distract me from snowblowers, hammering, leaf blowers, lawn movers, music, etc. And it really is a quiet neighborhood, but I get overwhelmed by all of those infrequent things to the point that it actually hurts physically and it negatively impacts my mood and therefore my enjoyment of the walk.

I also go to large stores sparingly. I usually order groceries to be delivered as the number of people there, the lights, and the noise all overwhelm me. And sometimes I get paranoid which is very uncomfortable. I need to tell myself, “it is ok to do this” as shame sinks in. My automatic (judgmental) thoughts are I shouldn’t be spending extra money on delivery. But if I am willing to budget for this, why not make things easier? I switched to a small local pharmacy because I would get so dysregulated at a large chain store that I would end up leaving in a huff sometimes before getting what I needed.

Driving proves very difficult for me, especially in the city. I have more recently been able to speak up and ask friends to help with this. First, I request activities that are not in the city. When the activity is in the city, I ask someone else to drive. It has taken me years to feel ok about asking friends for this. I always felt like they were judging me for being city-averse. And in truth there are times I love the city. Interesting people. Some beautiful places. The energy of people interacting. It all can feel great. But driving there and trying to find parking cripples me. I used to complain the entire time since it made me so uncomfortable. Now I spare everyone my complaining and I am more direct about what I need. I still worry about their judgments, but I am increasingly aware of my needs and how meeting them not only positively impacts me but also anyone with me.

Focusing on myself or doing healing work can be exhausting. I am fortunate that I have the flexibility at work to manage my own schedule. To give myself room to process and calm down after a tough therapy session for example, I always make it at the end of my workday. I never schedule work after therapy. And in general, I separate my days into sections. In the mornings and early afternoons, it is all about work. Then in the afternoons I focus on all my personal stuff. This is not just therapy but also any drawing I do, memoir-writing, or support groups. I have sectioned off the second part of my day for personal stuff. This has worked really well. I have been through a lot in my life and still struggle at times and I need mental and emotional space to process thoughts and feelings.

In summary, reframing the accommodations I make as justifiable instead of shame-inducing has been empowering. There is nothing wrong with adapting your life to meet whatever your unique needs are as long as it is not hurting someone else. And with all things you need to consider other people’s needs too. I need to be aware and respect the unique needs of people in my life (and sometimes that means I will be uncomfortable or slightly inconvenienced). But speaking up and rearranging aspects of our lives is one way to make managing mental health concerns easier.